Just Because You Love Someone, Doesn’t Mean They’re Right For You.
I think we’ve all loved someone who isn’t right for us. After all, how could we recognise who is right, if we hadn’t first experienced who was wrong. But unfortunately, too many settle for the wrong one out of fear of being alone. I guess it ultimately comes down to how much we value our self-worth.
I spent years, sorry, most of my life not valuing my self-worth, hence a string of ‘wrong’ relationships. Thankfully, none of those relationships have lasted too long or gotten too serious, where it resulted in marriage or bringing children into the world. Although, one special ‘wrong’ man came close…
For the sake of this article, I’ll call him Sam (not his real name). Sam and I met when I was fourteen years old, and we became good mates rather quickly. He was a gentle soul, very caring, loyal and protective over me.
At around seventeen years old he found his long lost Father who had abandoned the family when he was eight years old. Sam went to live with his Father overseas. We used to call each other regularly and I could hear the change in his personality over the phone. He started to talk about money and womanising a lot, but there was a darkness in his voice too.
His Father was the head of armed forces in this foreign country (which I will not name), he was also an illegal gun runner.
When Sam returned home, we all recognised the change in him. His friends used to joke that this country stole his soul. To me, it wasn’t a joke, a part of his soul was missing. He wouldn’t talk about what happened over there, but I knew that he was deeply traumatised and it involved seeing, doing and experiencing things that no one should ever have to, let alone a seventeen-year old.
I hated his Dad from that point on. Sam put his Father on a pedestal which always caused us to fight about him – I couldn’t stand that the little boy in Sam still pined for his Fathers approval.
Around that same time, I began to go really deep into the world of drugs. Sam hated me taking drugs and so our friendship began to fall apart. It was easy to push him away, he’d become a different person and I was going down a rabbit hole that he didn’t approve of.
A few years later, I think I was about twenty-three or four, we ran into one another. We were both so excited to see each other again. He had a girlfriend who I got along really well with, and I began dating Sam’s best mate. We all got along well, and for Sam and I, it was as if no time had passed. After a few months I stopped dating Sam’s mate (he really wasn’t my type – at all!), and around the same time Sam and his girlfriend ended their relationship.
One night Sam and I got really drunk and one thing led to another as they say. Our friendship had crossed a line, and I’m afraid there was no turning back.
Because I had dated his best mate and being friendly with Sam’s ex-girlfriend, we decided to keep ‘us’ a secret – we did this for the next four or five years. It was an ‘open’ relationship, I was very aware of Sam’s womanising ways. Due to this, I always knew he was not right for me but I loved him, and no matter how many times I tried to end it and go back to being friends, his pull over me would draw me back in.
I guess a part of me always hoped that the Sam before he found his Dad would re-emerge, as I often saw glimpses of the ‘real’ him when we were alone.
Because of our ten-year previous friendship, we were always able to talk deeply and honestly. We would have a few drinks, play some tunes and talk the night away.
These nights often resulted in me pushing Sam’s buttons about his jerk of a Father, I could see the pain in his eyes and I would try to extract what in the hell happened overseas. He would reveal little titbits, and I knew without him actually saying what had occurred (of which, out of respect for him, I will not mention in this post). What I will say though, is that what happened, really did steal a part of his soul.
By this stage in our relationship, his family and most of our friends had cottoned on that we were together, but we still pretended no one knew. I didn’t want it to come out because I knew deep down I deserved someone who would treat me better. I just wasn’t ready to admit it out loud, that would mean I needed to cut him from my life.
We nearly had a child together towards the end of our relationship and really his behaviour over that scenario was the beginning of the end for me. We kept things going for awhile but I finally reached the point where I had enough. I cut all ties with him, and thought I had moved on with my life…
Five years later (October of last year), I was at a party where I ran into one of Sam’s family friends. She came up to me and said “You and Sam should be together”, my response was “Just because you love someone, doesn’t mean you should be together”.
She encouraged me to talk to him and the flood gates opened – tears streamed down my face like a rushing waterfall. There was clearly a lot of unresolved emotion. I knew I had to see him again.
That night Sam came to pick me up from the party. We went back to his place and once again talked for hours. He seemed like he had really grown up and matured. He admitted and apologised for his terrible behaviour towards me, in fact, he said it’s the one thing he is most ashamed of. And, I know he truly meant that, he’s not the type to say it otherwise.
He asked if he would ever see me again and I said I didn’t know – I needed time to think. I agonised for days about what I would do. I decided he could not be in my life again, but I wanted us to go away together for a ‘goodbye’ weekend, and he agreed.
It was an amazing weekend, just like old times. We literally spent the whole weekend talking and reminiscing. We talked about how we are not right for each other, but we hoped that whoever we ended up with had the ability to talk as freely as we did and feel as comfortable as we made each other feel. Sam always felt like a comfortable old slipper – the only person I’ve ever truly been myself with.
The weekend ended and we said our goodbyes; only now I started to fantasise that maybe we could work. Maybe, we just hadn’t given ourselves the opportunity to give things a real go, after all, he seemed like he had really matured.
I contacted Sam and told him I wanted to give things a go. He was working interstate but would be back at Christmas time and said we’d talk things over then. We spent most of January together and I’m saddened to say I realised that in many ways he hadn’t grown up at all, in fact, in some ways he had regressed.
I discovered that he has a pretty bad cocaine habit (I’d say he is on the cusp of becoming an addict if he’s not careful), which of course, I cannot afford to be around – I’ve come way too far for that. He was also hanging around some really shady characters. I hung out with Sam and some of his ‘new’ mates on New Year’s Day – I sat there bored, thinking about how I had absolutely nothing in common with these people! I was also disgusted to find out one of these ‘mates’ had called a prostitute to Sam’s Mother’s house earlier that morning – the Sam I know would never disrespect his Mother by allowing that in her house. I kept thinking what in the hell has happened to him??
You see, in the last five years I have grown tremendously, especially in the area of learning to love myself and value my self-worth; unfortunately, Sam’s growth hasn’t been able to keep up with mine, and now I know it never will.
He has too much baggage that he is not ready to face (I have implored him to seek professional help), and I don’t know if he can ever overcome what he has been through. I hope and pray he does, but he has so much unprocessed emotional pain, that he is on a path of self-destruction. A path I know all too well, but one I’m not prepared to ever return to.
Do I still love Sam, absolutely, a part of me always will! We have over twenty years of history, filled with many ups and downs, but I now know I deserve so much better than he can offer me.
On the first of February this year for the third and final time, I severed my ties with Sam (not because I wanted to, because I had to). Does it hurt, yes, absolutely! I still think of him from time-to-time, and occasionally have a little cry, but sometimes in order to do what is best for our highest-selves, we have to do what hurts. It’s short-term pain for long-term gain.
We must remember in these times, that if we don’t love ourselves to the highest degree, then who else is going to in return?
One day when I do meet someone, I want to know that I have set the tone for what I truly deserve!
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